If Not For You
by monkeyyyslut
Summary: All good things come to an end. Allen should know.  Laven


_If Not For You_

D. GrayMan belongs to Katsura Hoshino, and I'm just playing in the haven of her fictional world.

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Creaking the door open slowly, Lavi stepped into the room quietly. He paused awhile, making sure that Allen's soft snores hadn't stopped, before treading across the wooden floorboards to the boy's bed. A breath hitched in his throat as he couldn't help but stare at the picturesque scene in front of him. Moonlight spilled through the window, casting light upon a pale face. His hair framed his face and dusted over his eyes in a mess. Turned upwards slightly, his lips seemed to shimmer in the light, giving him an overall peaceful look. Lavi sat down gingerly at the side of the bed, staring with an aching heart at the one he loved so dear. He couldn't help himself as he leaned forward and pressed his lips against the others for a chaste kiss.

"Bye, Allen." he managed to choke out in a ragged whisper. "I lo-…" He stopped abruptly, balling his hands into fists before getting up and making his way back to the door, pausing at the desk to place an envelope amongst the stacks of paper.

"I love you," he finally said, before he made his silent goodbye with a _click._

Bookman was waiting outside. They picked up their luggage – a small one for each of them – and made their way to the gates. Lavi's thigh felt empty without the weight of his hammer. He suddenly felt extremely unprotected.

It took them awhile to reach the outskirts of the town. Stopping in a dark alley, Bookman motioned for Lavi to put down his baggage. He made sure that Lavi was staring him in the eye before continuing. All of a sudden, Lavi felt his heart constrict. He couldn't breathe, knowing what was coming. Fighting back the urge to run, he bit his lip. Bookman noticed this and frowned.

"I hereby strip you of the persona 'Lavi', thereby stripping you of your duties as an Exorcist. I hereby strip you of your affiliation to the Black Order. You are now Bookman Junior, until a new persona has been created for you."

* * *

Allen slammed the door to his room shut as he just returned from breakfast. Everyone looked rather sad and depressed in the dining hall and he couldn't understand why. Nobody seemed to want to meet his eye that morning, even the usually cheerful Lenalee. He couldn't find Lavi either, which was strange seeing as the redhead would usually be pounding on his door early in the morning, urging for him to get up so they could have 'fun'.

"Bookman's probably over-working him again." Allen sighed. Bookman seemed to be purposely piling load after load of work onto Lavi. He had known about their relationship for awhile, but had decided not to say anything about it. Allen could tell he was deeply troubled, though. Allen sat down on his chair, suddenly feeling guilty. It was then that he noticed a crisp brown envelope lying on his desk. Something about the envelope gave Allen a bad feeling. He tore it open.

_Allen,_

_I hope that this is the first thing you read in the morning. Forgive me for whatever I'm about to tell you._

_I left the Black Order last night, together with Bookman. He had a long talk with me, telling me that I couldn't let my emotions ruin my career. I fought with him to let me stay, but he refused. He returned our Innocence and we left. By the time you get hold of this, I won't be Lavi anymore. All the feelings and emotions that I had when I was Lavi would have been erased, though the memories would remain. It doesn't make a difference, though. Memories are supposed to make you feel good when you look through them, so what's the use of keeping memories without the emotions intact?_

_Do you remember the first time we met, Allen? You were all wrapped up in bandages. The first time I saw you, I thought you were interesting. Then I slowly started to notice the little things about you that made me smile: the sound of your laughter, the way you would tilt your head to the side if you didn't quite understand, the spark that would light up in your eyes when your breakfast was served. All the little things about you, Allen, were the things that made me fall in love with you._

_I love you, Allen. I want you to know that no matter who I am, I loved you as Lavi. You opened up my bolted heart. You were the reason why I could wake up every morning amidst the smell of death, the fighting and the pressure and still be so damn happy, just as long as I could thread my fingers through yours. You, Allen Walker, allowed someone like Bookman Junior to love._

_No matter where I am or who I am, I know that there'll always be a part of you with me, whether in the songs that the birds sing, the smell of freshly baked bread or the whistling of the wind. Allen, you were supposed to be just another name scrawled on the pages of history. But you made it to my heart._

_Lavi_

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**A/N:** Currently in a rather depressing stage of my life. Vented it all out into this story.


End file.
